Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Game of Thrones: Why you have two choices: Stannis Baratheon or GTFO.



Look at that man. That grizzled determination. That sense of honour and value. That steel behind his eyes that tells you if you fuck with him you're going to be fucking destroyed. Yes ladies and germs, this is Stannis Motherfucking Baratheon and by the end of this article, if you aren't already, you will be bending the knee to the rightful king of Westeros. I admit, it's somewhat of a mystery to me why acceptance of Stannis is not universal. Some people actually support Daenerys Targaryen or the Lannisters or *shudder* the fucking Boltons. This is a slightly mystifying fact, until you realise that lots of people supported Hitler too.

I worry somewhat that those of you who aren't unequivocal in your Stannis love may be immune to facts. But for my king, I will commit myself to the task of conversion anyway. So come with me, and I shall bring you to enlightenment.

1. Stannis Baratheon is the rightful king.

Well let's not mince words here. Stannis is the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne. That's just a fact and don't let any low class blathering from those rotten Targaryen's change your mind. The king was Robert Baratheon, recognised by the seven kingdoms all the way to the Wall. Robert Baratheon had no legitimate children, due to the fact that Cersei Lannister pulled a Targaryen and mounted her brother a bunch of times. This fact is plain and admitted to. With no legitimate children of the king and queen's marriage, the throne passes to Robert Baratheon's eldest living sibling (sit the fuck down Renly you greedy little dickbag). That sibling is STANNIS BARATHEON (King of the Andals, the first men and your MOTHER).

So what arguments are brought to bear against this fact? Well, I can see one. "Stannis is boring and doesn't inspire loyalty among the people". Eat shit and fall into a fit of Dornish Vipers. Unfortunately, you fuckers don't get a vote. Stannis is a great leader and you all don't accept it because they are lowlife shallow troglodytes who want a song and dance charismatic leader. The people don't get a choice. They get Stannis and they will like it. Because legitimacy bitches. Luckily, they will like it because Stannis is a god among men.

2. Stannis Baratheon is the ruler Westeros NEEDS.

Let's take a look over the candidates for the throne shall we? Daenerys Targaryen makes misstep after misstep, can't decide whether she's Mother Theresa or The Iron Lady and misses obvious fucking leadership decisions like OPENING THE DAMN FIGHTING PITS. Yup, all those deaths are on her. Joffrey was a piece of shit psychopath. Tommen may be the sissiest little kitten bitch in Westeros. Jon Snow may be able to lead 100 men at a wall, but has shown nothing about managing the affairs of an entire kingdom and has no leadership background. Tywin, now there's a leader but unfortunately he's dead. If you think Cersei is a good ruler I've got some awesome timeshares to sell you and Roose Bolton is Roose Bolton.

Stannis stands for justice. Iron rigidity with unbreakable honour. The strength to hold the realm together, with the morality to do what's right. Who was the only leader to ride out against the White Walkers who are threatening the people of Westeros with eternal winter? Stannis. Who tolerates NO rape or pillaging by his armies and executes those who don't obey, even his own most loyal soldiers? Stannis. Who stands for true justice and not cronyism? Stannis. Who has the clearest head and makes his decisions based on the facts at hand without emotion or clouded personal judgement? STANNIS. Is that knee bending yet? Cause it should be. Westeros needs Stannis to put aside the political squabbles, unite the empire and face the Walkers. No one else has the stones.

3. Stannis Baratheon is a loyal family man.


Oh the feels. All the feels. Stannis Baratheon is not too cold to rule. This scene right here proves it. And if you need any more proof, Stannis stayed with his wife even though she only gave him one daughter who had a physical deformity. Other kings in Westeros would not have done the same. In the books... *Spoilers ahoy*

 ... Stannis acquires an army of 20,000 men after being endorsed by the Bank of Braavos and specifically leaves instructions that if he dies in battle, the army is to proceed south to place PRINCESS SHIREEN BARATHEON on the throne. Even though she is physically disabled, he is loyal to his daughter, sees her as the princess she is and that is a beautiful thing. He also sees his daughter as a legitimate heir, therefore showing he views women as the equals they are. This is also demonstrated in his strict stance against rape and the abuse of conquered women. Which brings us to...

4. Stannis Baratheon is a conqueror of pure fucking iron.

During the Baratheon revolt against the Targaryens, Stannis held Storm's End against Mace Tyrell's siege. He was forced to starve and survive on boot leather, but he fucking held. When the Onion Knight Davos Seaworth snuck him and his troops a shipment of onions, Stannis was loyal to Davos from that day forth, yet ALSO broke his fingers personally as punishment for his history as a pirate. Stannis shows loyalty AND justice and he doesn't waver.

In the Battle of Blackwater, Stannis was only defeated in his siege of Kings' Landing by a series of hideous coincidences. His ships were decimated by Tyrion's magic fire and Stannis said fuck that, we're landing anyway. He landed. And he kicked ass. And he would have won, if not for the exact precise arrival of Tywin and Tyrells from the rear.

Oh and let's point something out here. Stannis Baratheon was the FIRST man at the head of his army who stormed the wall. He was the FIRST man up the ladders and he kicked some almighty ass. No other king in Westeros has the stones to be the first man on the front lines like Stannis, and that's an inspirational leader right there.

5. NO. Stannis is NOT being manipulated by Melisandre.

Ugh. This argument. People like to paint Stannis as some zealot who's being led up the garden path by the red woman and her false promises. Well, let's see. How about no. If Stannis was on his knees worshipping the lord of light on blind faith alone and believing in prophecies and crap without evidence, you may have a point. But he doesn't. Stannis goes along with the Lord of Light stuff because it's been demonstrated to work many times over!

A smoke monster born of magic killed Renly Baratheon. Leeches with king's blood were directly followed by the deaths of the people he spoke of when he tossed them in the fire. The magic is real, direct and right in front of his eyes. He would be a fool NOT to go along with it, this shit works! And allow me to point to the aftermath of the Battle of Blackwater when Stannis was THIS close to strangling Melisandre to death for not delivering him a victory. She may have talked him down, but this scene demonstrates pretty clearly that the second the magic stops giving, Stannis is going to choke a bitch. Doesn't sound like a man under someone's thumb to me.

6. Stannis Baratheon is the greatest man alive.

He has the honor of Ned Stark without being blinded by it like he was. He has the military mind of Tywin Lannister and the bravery of Jon Snow. He stands up for the people of Westeros like Daenerys but doesnt make the same lacklustre decisions. He is battle tested and pure iron. He inspires his men with deed on the front lines. He stands for justice.

So what are you waiting for?

Bend the damn knee already.

Or can I interest you instead in a nice tall glass of GTFO?