Oh yes. The power is mine alright. The power to RANT about this goddamn show!! Yes ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an event so gigantic that it dwarfs the solar system itself. Welcome to me recapping the entire first season of CAPTAIN PLANET AND THE PLANETEERS. The year is 1990. I am four years old, and apparently the world needs to be taught a valuable lesson about environmentalism. And they need to be taught it IN CARTOON FORM. By this blue fuckwit with green hair. Yes, this is the show that taught us all such valuable lessons as PIGS ARE EVIL. SO ARE RATS. Oh, and the power of heart is truly the most useless fucking power in the world.
Episode One: A Hero For Earth (aka 'Gaia, the lazy bitch goddess').
We begin in a tranquil woodland environment. Rabbits are frolicking oh so happily with all the woodland creatures. AND THEN FUCKING WHAM! GIANT MECHANICAL ROBOT WALKER BITCHES. To my chagrin, the bunny narrowly avoids getting crushed. A bunch of trees however, do not. In the cockpit of said Star Wars-esque AT-AT is a bizarre pigman hybrid in a brown jacket. He is very amused with his crushing and snorts to himself, "With this giant landblaster, I'll be able to drill for oil anywhere!"
I immediately see that subtlety is not going to be this show's strong point.
The subtlety gets nuked even further as his chuckling skinny sidekick remarks, "Yeah boss, yeah! Even in this wildlife sanctuary!" Oh shit. Well, I think it may be safe to assume Mr Hogman is not one of the Planeteers referenced in the title. If he is though, I will immediately retract any forthcoming criticisms about this show. But nope, Mr. Hogman is in fact our very first...
ECO SUPER VILLAIN OF THE WEEEEEEEEK.
His name is Hoggish Greedly. His name alone has Captain Obvious, sitting in his ivory tower of obvious, going "That's a little bit on the nose don't you think?" He is some pig/man hybrid for reasons that are not addressed nor explained. He enjoys drilling for oil, making a shit ton of money and the worst puns and one-liners on the face of the Earth. "I'll be in hog heaven!" he says as he drills the fuck out of the wildlife sanctuary. As a connoissuer of villainy, I will be paying close attention each week in this feature to see if there are any evil-doers on this show that I can actually get behind. Yes, you heard me correctly, I'm trying to see if I can cheer for villains in a show about saving the planet. We are not off to a good start though as Captain Caricature in his Caricature Hide-out takes one look at Hoggish Greedly and says "I think he's too much of a caricature for me."
Back to the episode!
So, apparently, the drilling into the Earth causes a single droplet of water to fall onto the head of this sleeping ninny.
Yup, Gaia, the spirit and mother of the DAMN PLANET has seen fit to take a hundred year kip. PERFECT time to do it too, in the very century with the invention of modern warfare, nuclear testing, huge scale mining, rainforest deforestation and PRETTY MUCH EVERY FORM OF POLLUTION EVER. Great choice, fucknuts. My sympathy for you is already ruined and its the third minute of episode one. She turns on her screen, sees the planet getting ruined and asks,
"What's a mother to do?"
Well, my first answer would probably be to get off your ass, use your powers and fix the problem but NO. ALAS. I have underestimated the sheer laziness of Gaia. She instead decides FUCK THIS SHIT, LET'S GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT. And who are the most reliable, trustworthy and emotionally stable individuals I can get for this crucial task?
Yup. Gaia decides to save the planet by giving some magic weapons to her own child soldier army, which I'm sure violates at least seven different Geneva conventions. But hey, at least she is racially diverse in her selections! In fact, each chosen child soldier is from a different corner of the world entirely! We have Wheeler, the ginger sex maniac from America (where else?). Gi, the trout lover from Asia. Kwame, the honest soilworker from Africa. Linka, the feisty kickass chick from the Soviet Union. Oh, and Ma-Ti the poor South American boy who has been chosen as the target of the biggest practical joke in history by being given the HEART RING OF UTTER USELESSNESS. And watch as he gets endlessly trolled throughout the entire series by people telling him its the greatest power of all when really all he can do is talk to a monkey.
Now, it's so obvious who is given which elemental power that I'm not even going to bother explaining it. If you can't figure it out, then I'm sorry, but you have a poorer intellectual ability than a discomobulated amoeba.
So yeah, Gaia is a horrendous incompetent bitch who gets children to put themselves in mortal peril to do the work she should be doing herself. Oh, and she's terrible at selecting people for the task too as Wheeler immediately shows himself to be more interested in getting in Linka's pants than saving the Earth. Oh this is going to go well. And yup just as I mentioned before, Gaia immediately tells Ma-Ti how great the power of heart is, and that without him all the other powers are useless. Apart from the fact that everyone else just did a bunch of cool shit with their power rings that Ma-Ti had fucking nothing to do with.
Trolling Ma-Ti Count: One.
Kwame, the sensible one, says "I think it's a good idea if we practise with our new powers!" Well, I can't really argue with that one Kwame. But apparently Gaia can as she SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN and says there's no time for that! They need to get out there and fight now, with no idea what they're doing! Because, child endangerment! WHAT THE HELL?! Oh dear lord Gaia, Hoggish Greedly is looking more appealing by the second. Oh, and then Gaia gives these untrained teenagers with no control over their powers A PLANE TO FLY. Fucking wench from hell. Of course, their powers then almost destroy the plane and get them all killed. Apparently its okay though, because Gi explains that she's got her driver's license, so flying a fucking plane should be no problem. I'm glad we cleared that one up.
Instead of leaving, the Planeteers decide to combine their powers and OH SHIT. ITS BLUE FACE WITH HIS TIGHT RED UNDIES. Captain Planet for short. Hoggish takes one look at this guy and for some reason decides to flee. I guess the tightness of Captain Planet's underwear was too much for him. In what I'm guessing is going to become an unfortunate recurring structural protocol, Captain Planet miraculously sucks all the pollution away and kicks the bad guy's ass. Really, all Greedly even did was spill some oil and try to make a buck. Poor hog man. BP has done a ton worse and I don't see anyone destroying their machinery and beating the top brass up.
BUT OH WAIT! Greedly has a secret plan. He proclaims to Captain Tightpants "If I can't drill ya, I'll WASTE ya!" And for a moment I don't even want to think about what he means by that. But then he pulls out his hose and sprays goop all over Captain Planet. Yeah, this is suitable for children. Apparently, the super hero whose sole purpose is to clean up pollution is vulnerable when he comes into contact with pollution. That seems like a large design flaw that someone shouldn't have overlooked. So long story short, Captain Planet is saved at the last minute by the Planeteers and cleaned off with water which restores his powers, and I want to spray toxic waste of my own at every single writer who was involved in this turd.
Captain Planet busts up Greedly's AT-AT, causes millions of dollars of property damage and wins the day, sending us the important message that if someone is doing something you don't like, just blow up their stuff and beat them up! Episode One mercifully comes to an end as the Planeteers clean up the wildlife sanctuary, safe in the knowledge that while they're putting their ass on the line, Gaia is having a nap and neglecting her duty.
Episode One 'Pollute-O-Meter': This episode was like a turd floating in the bath-tub. It didn't really do any lasting damage, but I'll be damned if I wanna get near it or have to fish it out ever again.